Happy Fashion-Forward Father’s Day!
Volume: Loud shriek!
Issue: After all these miles, time for a male fashion tune-up?
Date: June 19, 2022
Fashion is like eating, you shouldn’t stick to the same menu.—Edith Head, fashion designer
Happy Fashion-Forward Father’s Day!
What Aging Human Male doesn’t have a leather belt as old as he is? It’s hard to part with an old belt, even though the belt is as wrinkled and cracked in places as the man. The belt may be from his high school days and it’s as slim as he was then. And how cool was that belt, slung low on the hips and a part of that high school swagger? That old belt just echoes with the total “HEYYY!” of the Fonz!
Does that belt hang even lower today because those gratuitous six-packs of Bud have destroyed the six-pack abs of the teenage bud? Does your aging man look like a geezer Howard Walowitz from The Big Bang? Or does his belt rise up to any imaginable occasion like the high-water belt of Urkel in Family Matters?
Every aging man has his own individual, cherished fashion faux-pas, as seen through the eyes of his aging woman. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but every older woman is hanging on to the hope that her partner isn’t hanging on to these in his closet, or sporting them on his person, or using them as bodily add-ons— which need to be taken off!
The following list is provided as inspiration for what goes into the donation bin after being replaced by a 2022 Happy Father’s Day replacement!
Aging Human Male Fashion Freak-outs
Hawaiian Shirt: A shirt only a botanist could love. Looked great at the luau but not smart for the dinner party.
Muscle Man Undershirt: It only worked for Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront, years before your Boomer Buddy lost both biceps in The War of the Couch Potato.
Short Short Sport Shorts: These haven’t been seen since Michael Jordan hit the court.
Calf-Length Socks with Sneakers: Why?
Any Socks with Sandals: Why and why?
Compression Stockings: Red compressions make for bad impressions!
Fort Knox Necklaces: How many gold chains can one Aging Human Male wear without neck pain?
Patterns Galore: Take it from James Bond, Patterns Galore are not going to get an old man Pussy Galore!
Baggy Clothes: Wearing baggy clothes over baggy bodies is wayyy overkill.
Long Tie: Even that tie can’t hide an aging man’s big gut—way too narrow.
Tight T-shirts: A woman has two nipples of her own—she doesn’t need to see more!
Slogan T-shirts: A T-shirt shouldn’t do his talking for him!
Hole-y holy T-shirt: A hole in one belongs on a golf course, not a T shirt.
Hole-y holy T-shirts: Yes, the one hidden in the drawer belongs in the Salvation Army pile!
CROCS: Only five-year-olds look cute in these.
Hiphugger Jeans: Not hip!
POP Jeans: The bad answer to “MOM Jeans”—no buts about it, his butt will never look good in those jeans again —and, yes, it is the jeans AND IT IS HIS BUTT!
Ear Studs: Only cool on Gen X or Gen Y or Gen Z, not Gen A (A for Aging men).
Fake Tan: Only works for George Hamilton.
Calling Aging Males everywhere—please empty out your drawers—clothes drawers, that is —and clear your body of all “enhancements” before your aging woman puts out an APB to the Fashion Police for her man’s missing fashion swag!
Happy Father’s Day to all our Boomer Buddies—And good luck to all Boomer Babes on dragging your guy’s clothes closet into the 21st century!
Irene